What do empathy and happiness have in common? Quite a lot actually. Empathic communication is an essential part of any successful and lasting relationship. The ability to be empathetic towards another has significant positive impact on the overall levels of satisfaction you experience in the relationship. One of our fundamental needs is to be heard and understood. When this does not happen, we can feel anxious, frustrated, lonely and abandoned. We might distance ourselves as a result and, in so doing, perpetuate the cycle of isolation.
Sadly, too many people are so busy that they don’t pause enough to really connect to the feelings of another. This sabotages relationships and actually makes us less socially attractive. Yes, you heard right. When we display empathy, people feel more satisfied with the conversation, and we become more socially attractive. Since we are social creatures, being able to navigate social situations successfully contributes to our overall sense of happiness and well-being. In addition, empathic listeners are social magnets who more easily foster trust, so they often benefit by attracting opportunities that contribute to their personal and professional success. In essence, empathy is one of the key ingredients of a happy and fulfilling life. On that note, let’s take Key Steps this week to display empathy and…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.
- Realise it is a vital 21st century skill worth investing in. From romantic relationships to parenting to business leadership to sales and customer service, empathy is a factor that can tip the scale in your favour. It enables you to gain and sustain rapport, deepen connection, foster trust and influence outcomes. So much so that researchers are developing tools, like the active empathic listening (AEL) scale to measure it. It’s an enabler of the win-win in many human interactions. By genuinely caring, we create ripples of care. To do this we must…
- Resist the “me too” moment. Remember that it is not about you. Empathy is recognising, acknowledging and reflecting the emotion of another. The key is to place your conversation partner above your needs and put aside your opinions and/or emotions. This can be hard. I find it especially hard when I can relate to my conversation partner. There is a part of me that wants to do some version of “me too.” Giving in to this can make the other feel dismissed and minimise their feelings as the conversation switches to a “me” focus. Keep the focus of the conversation on your partner, ensure all distraction (external and internal) are mitigated and…
- Resist the urge to look for a silver lining. This is especially important when people are expressing difficult emotions. Avoid saying, “At least…” I am sure we have all been on the receiving end of an “At least” and know how quickly it can drive disconnection. For example, someone shares that they are feeling exhausted and overworked and their conversation partner says, “At least you still have a job.” Or in the face of having been very sick with Covid… “At least you didn’t end up in hospital.” There are times when helping a person to see a silver lining can be useful as they might realise that a situation is not as bad as they think it is but tread with care! Jumping in to “fix” often drives disconnection. And definitely don’t tell them what you think the silver lining is for them, but rather…
- Ask open-ended questions. This needs to be done with great sensitivity. Open questions can encourage people to go on and draw out the story the person is wanting to share. It might help them to realise a silver lining on their own. Questions can also be intrusive though and sometimes it might be too painful for the person to continue with the conversation and there might just be no silver lining. Life can be hard and cruel. The best thing we can do in these moments is…
- Acknowledge and reflect the person’s feelings. This can be done by saying things like, “I can only image how tough this has been for you,” or “I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing this with me,” or “Shooo, I can hear how anxious [enter the feeling you see] you’ve been.” That’s all! No advice. No fixing needed so…
- Get comfortable with silence. Allowing “space” in emotional conversations, gives the person the opportunity to process. If we move in too quickly to hide it or fade it or fix it, our conversation partner could well lose out on a cathartic moment of connection. We must avoid the trap of fixing or rescuing or criticising and just “be” with the other person in their emotion. It is in this “being” that we really connect, and it is through this connection that we feel heard and understood and that often makes us feel better. In this “being” we really can…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
Namaste,
Sharon
NOTE: The information in my blog may be freely shared and re-used in any online or offline publication, provided it is accompanied by the following credit line: This was written by Dr Sharon King Gabrielides, and originally appeared in her free weekly ‘Key Steps Food for Thought Blog’ available on the Key Steps website.
About Dr Sharon King Gabrielides
Sharon is a dynamic facilitator, speaker and executive coach with over 20 years’ experience in leadership and organisational development and transformation. She is a registered Education, Training and Development Practitioner (ETDP), holds an Honours degree in Psychology and practices as an NLP master practitioner. She is also one of only three women in South Africa to hold the title of Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) – it’s the Oscar of the speaking business.
Sharon’s PhD thesis contributed a framework for holistic and sustainable leadership development that has been published by Rutgers University in the USA. She is faculty of Henley Business School and highly sought-after by leading corporates because she works hand-in-hand with them to create sustainable results and long-term success. Sharon has become known for her practical approach, useful tools and genuinely caring manner. She is really looking forward to working with you and taking Key Steps to ‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
