Take Key Steps to emotionally intelligent discussion

Tips for Emotionally Intelligent Discussions

I’ve spent quite a bit of time lately providing some guidelines for negotiating and influencing your way to success. Another important piece for us to master is the art of having an emotionally intelligent discussion with someone whose needs, values, ideas, priorities and ways of living and working are different from ours. It is very possible to keep conversations constructive but it isn’t necessarily easy. Here’s some Key Steps you can start practising:
 

1. Be aware of when you are feeling triggered and get out of an Amygdala hi-jack fast. This requires a decent level of self-awareness. Too often, we realise we have reacted in the heat of the moment and said something that we wish we hadn’t when it is too late to take it back. Even if you are entitled to be annoyed, angered, frustrated – it will not help you get your point across by reacting when you are in the grips of a strong emotion. You need to get yourself in check (breathe, visualise, count from 100 backwards, go for a walk, sleep on it) and then respond.
    
2. Speak to be understood. Think of the other person as a partner in a hard-headed, side-by-side search for a fair agreement. Don’t blame the other person, name call or threaten. Find common ground as soon as possible.
    
3. Speak about yourself not about them. Don’t waste time condemning the motivations, intentions or opinions of others. When stating your case, talk from your perspective rather than accusing or criticising them. For example, saying, “I feel let down,” is better than, “You broke your word.” A statement about how you feel is difficult to challenge and it is more likely that you can convey the same information without provoking a defensive reaction.
    
4. Don’t attack their position, look behind it. When the other person lays down their position, remember that you don’t have to accept or reject it. Treat it as a possible option and look for their interests that are behind it. Think about ways to build on their ideas or improve them. Adopt a “Yes, and…” mind-set and avoid “Yes, but…”
    
5. Don’t defend your ideas, invite criticism and advice. Instead of resisting the other person’s criticism, invite it. Instead of making them accept or reject your idea, ask them what they don’t like about it or what their concerns are. This can help you to examine their interests and help you to improve on your ideas. Turn criticism into a learning opportunity. Instead of it being an obstacle, you can use it as a stepping-stone to work towards a joint agreement. Another way to do this is to invite them to step into your shoes and give you advice on what they would do if they were faced with your current situation.
    
6. See an attack on you as an opportunity to ‘attack’ the problem. The other person will often attack you personally (especially if they do not have a high EQ and your opinion, perspective or needs differ from yours) – expect it and don’t react to it by defending yourself or attacking back. Rather use it as an opportunity to listen – you will learn a great deal about their concerns – and show you understand where they are coming from. You can turn the attack on you into an opportunity to overcome their concerns and the challenges you are facing. In practise, this requires a high emotional intelligence to do. To learn more about how we can work with you and your organisation’s leaders to excel at having tough conversations, contact collette@keysteps.co.za.
    
7. Ask questions and pause. Statements often generate resistance, whereas questions generate answers. Silence is one of your best weapons. Use it. If they have made an unreasonable proposal or attack on you, the best thing you can do may be to sit and not say a word. Silence often makes people feel uncomfortable or resembles a stalemate; they will usually feel compelled to break it by coming up with a better suggestion or even an apology.Two powerful questions… “Why?” and “Why not?”Why… Put yourself in their shoes and examine each position they take by asking, “Why?”… Why are they taking this position or angle? What interests of theirs are they trying to protect? What are their concerns?

   Why not… Identify the basic decision that person(s) on the other side probably see you asking them to make, and then ask yourself why they have not made that decision. What interests of theirs stand in the way?

8. Don’t put-off bringing up the elephant in the room. Although it is a good strategy to find areas to agree on first, don’t wait too long to bring up points you know might be significant obstacles to reaching agreement. There was a young physician who waited until two weeks before his wedding to tell his fiancée that he had been previously married – he never got to the alter the second time! When you know there are major obstacles, be tactful, but bring them up early, rather than risk going through a laborious process and then having to put a band-aid fix on it at the end or even risk losing the relationship. Take these Key Steps and you can…

‘be the difference that makes the difference.’

1. Namaste,