Last week we spoke about the difference between discernment and judgement and the importance of practising the former and why we should stop the latter. Adayashanti says, “True sincerity reveals a powerful form of clarity and discernment that is necessary in order to perceive yourself honestly without flinching or being held captive by your conditioned mind’s judgments or defensiveness.” He says it so well and make it sound so simple. The path to enlightenment or emotional intelligence is actually quite simple, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to practise. So, this week I’d like to expand on practical ways that we can suspend judgement and take Key Steps to really…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
- Realise that the more passionate we are about something, the harder it can be to turn away from judging and making the other – or ourselves – wrong. Why? Because it hurts us (or evokes anger, fear, disappointment and so on) to see someone behaving in such contradiction to our sense of what is “right”. In addition, if we are feeling judged by another, this also provokes strong emotions. In that moment of intense emotion (pain, anger, disappointment, disbelief and so on), we are likely to find it very hard not to judge. We can only start from where we are…be authentic. Do not pretend you wish them well, when you don’t. Do not pretend you are loving yourself when you are riddled with guilt and anxiety… Be honest with yourself and work through your emotions and manage your state before going into the conversation. It’s important that you are really able to go in with an open-mind and this means you have to…
- Let go of the need to be right. Letting go of the need to prove we are right is a good start but we really want to let go of the need to be right in the first place. This allows us to live as the compassionate human beings we essentially are. As compassionate beings, we can hold all aspects of the world and ourselves in our hearts, including those aspects that are annoying, dangerous, frustrating and unlikable. This takes great effort. We have to learn from each situation that arises by observing our own internal and external actions and reaction to situations to see where we separate ourselves from others (the “us” and “them”). When we do this, we build our sense of self, not on what we truly are, but on trying to feel better than others to make ourselves good enough. I’m okay to admit that this is definitely not something that I have totally mastered and I do still catch myself comparing… I’m human! Thankfully, I do it less and less and I am able to make the unconscious conscious much quicker. And when I act with compassion, I find a way to make being right (that’s really all judgment is) an unnecessary prerequisite for being at peace. I am able to get curious, really listen and open my mind to other people’s perspectives and truths. This is emotional intelligence at its best. And, in that moment, I am able to shift my focus to a more resourceful place and…
- Focus on solutions. When we are judging, we are not looking for solutions, we are just looking to make someone or something wrong. When I am calling the taxi driver a “reckless idiot,” I am not changing or helping the situation. When I call myself a “lazy fatty,” I am not finding ways to change the behaviour. When I judge my co-worker as “incompetent,” I am not helping us work together more effectively. When I label my partner as “inconsiderate,” I am not doing anything to change the situation. When I criticise my friend’s way of living their life, I drive a wedge in our relationship. When I discern, I am able to work out what is triggering me, identify what it is in my locus of control and then do my best to influence the situation. When I park the judgement, I can use my energy to find ways to exercise more and lose weight. I can plan a constructive conversation with my co-worker and perhaps cross-pollinate our skills. I can talk to my partner and make a request for what I need from them.
We do also need to realise that it might be premature or inappropriate to formulate a solution and the best solution might be to ask curious questions, just show empathy or bite our tongue. For example, with the friend, I allow them to make their own choices and realise that what is a mistake for me might not be for them. With the taxi driver, I can realise how hard their job is and empathise with their daily hustle. I feel very comfortable doing this because I…
- Know that empathy is not endorsement. Remember that showing empathy does not mean going along with or indiscriminately accepting behaviour regardless of the consequences. We can – in fact – discern, say “NO” and even strongly oppose harmful behaviour without judging and making another (or ourselves) “bad” in the process. You can discern that you want to eat healthier and exercise more regularly without judging yourself as “lazy and fat.” The judgement causes us to feel less. In so doing, demotivation can set in and make the change to the behaviour harder to make. One of my favourite TED Talks is called ‘Empathy is Not Endorsement’. It does a great job of highlighting how liberating and freeing empathy can be.
I’d like to leave you with the following extract by Alexander Solzhenitsyl, after suffering the horrors of a prison camp. He wrote: “If only it were so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?”
What will you do this week to stay out of judgement and practise discerning? Please share your thoughts so we can all take Key Steps together to… ‘‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
NOTE: The information in my blog may be freely shared and re-used in any online or offline publication, provided it is accompanied by the following credit line: This was written by Dr Sharon King Gabrielides, and originally appeared in her free weekly ‘Key Steps Food for Thought Blog’ available on the Key Steps website.
About Dr Sharon King Gabrielides
Sharon is a dynamic facilitator, speaker and executive coach with over 20 years’ experience in leadership and organisational development and transformation. She is a registered Education, Training and Development Practitioner (ETDP), holds an Honours degree in Psychology and practices as an NLP master practitioner. She is also one of only three women in South Africa to hold the title of Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) – it’s the Oscar of the speaking business.
Sharon’s PhD thesis contributed a framework for holistic and sustainable leadership development that has been published by Rutgers University in the USA. She is faculty of Henley Business School and highly sought-after by leading corporates because she works hand-in-hand with them to create sustainable results and long-term success. Sharon has become known for her practical approach, useful tools and genuinely caring manner. She is really looking forward to working with you and taking Key Steps to ‘be the difference that makes the difference.’