Empathy with edges is how we can care without losing courage and conviction
Empathy is one of the most powerful tools in a leader’s toolkit. Neuroscience shows that empathy activates the brain’s mirror neuron system, allowing us to connect and “feel with” others. It builds genuine trust and connection, which is the foundation of psychological safety and high-performing teams. Leaders who demonstrate empathy don’t just hear words; they understand the emotions and perspectives behind them, which allows them to respond with wisdom and care. This creates a culture where people feel valued, engaged and motivated
But here’s the caution: when empathy tips into empathic over-arousal, where we absorb others’ emotions without regulation, it stops serving us and starts draining us. I’m sure that we have all felt the detrimental effects of this. Here’s some important Key Steps we can take to get the best out of empathy and…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
- Watch out for the signs of over empathising and avoid the dangers.
When empathy is left unchecked, it can lead to:
– Decision paralysis – over-accommodating others’ discomfort instead of making the right call.
– Burnout – leaders in high-stress roles who take on everyone’s pain risk emotional exhaustion.
– Emotional enmeshment – blurring the line between supporting others and over-functioning for them. - Practise a powerful reframe: “Empathy with edges.”
We often think empathy is soft – I used to make this mistake. In reality, the most effective empathy has edges. It sounds and looks like this, “I see you. I value you. And I will hold you to your highest potential. Even when it’s hard.” This requires:
– Listening deeply – without rushing in to rescue.
– Understanding the impact of others’ emotions – without absorbing them as your own.
– Leading with genuine care – without losing clarity or courage.
In other words, empathy must be anchored in:
– Compassion – caring deeply but with boundaries.
– Clarity – making values-based decisions that are kind, but not always comfortable.
– Accountability – recognising that empathy does not mean excusing poor behaviour or performance. - Key reflection questions to ask yourself.
– Where am I over-empathising to the point of enabling?
– Am I confusing being liked with being effective?
– How can I show empathy while still making tough, values-based decisions?
Empathy is not about lowering standards or carrying the weight of everyone else’s emotions. It’s about creating connection while still calling people to their best. When anchored in compassion, clarity and accountability, empathy becomes a force that strengthens both people and performance. Let’s take Key Steps together to practise “empathy with edges,” so we can truly…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
