Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful acts of self-liberation. Yet, it’s misunderstood. Many people think forgiveness is about letting the other person “off the hook” or condoning harmful behaviour. In truth, forgiveness is less about the other person and more about us. It is about freeing our hearts and minds from the heavy chains of resentment, guilt and anger.
Forgiving others and forgiving ourselves are both essential acts of courage. Without them, we remain trapped in a cycle of pain. With them, we open the door to healing, growth and renewed energy. Just this morning Mila told me (when I made a mistake with our artwork we were doing), “Mommy, it’s okay, it’s art. Let yourself make a mistake; it’s not a big deal. Just be creative.” I was so proud of her. Two years ago, she would’ve crumpled up the page in frustration.
Let’s understand forgiveness, challenge ourselves to forgive (big and small) and take Key Steps to…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
Understand the Neuroscience of Forgiveness
When we hold on to resentment or guilt, our brain’s stress response system stays activated. The amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for fear and threat detection) keeps sending signals that something is “wrong.” This increases cortisol (our stress hormone) and keeps our body in fight-or-flight mode. Over time, this weakens our immune system, clouds our judgment and even shrinks the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for learning and memory.
On the other hand, forgiveness activates the brain’s prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking, empathy and perspective-taking) and calms the amygdala. Research using brain scans shows that people who practice forgiveness experience reduced stress, lower blood pressure, improved mood and stronger relationships. Forgiveness literally rewires the brain for resilience and wellbeing.
Challenge Yourself to Allow Self-Forgiveness
Sometimes, forgiving others feels easier than forgiving ourselves. I know this is true for me and many leaders I work with. Self-forgiveness requires us to face our mistakes without denying them, and to learn from them without endlessly punishing ourselves or being excessively hard on ourselves. Neuroscience tells us that self-directed empathy helps restore balance in the brain, engaging circuits that quieten harsh self-criticism and build healthier emotional regulation. When we learn to extend kindness to ourselves, we strengthen neural pathways that support growth, resilience and hope.
Take Tangible Key Steps to Forgiveness
Even if we know forgiveness or ourselves or others is vital, we often don’t know how. It wasn’t something I was taught. I’ve learnt that these practical Key Steps really work:
- Acknowledge the pain.
Pretending “it doesn’t matter” doesn’t work. Be honest about the hurt, whether it’s your own guilt or another’s actions. Naming the pain activates the prefrontal cortex and helps you regain perspective.
- Shift the lens.
Ask: What might this person (or I) have been experiencing that led to this action? This doesn’t excuse behaviour, but it fosters empathy. Neuroscience shows that empathy reduces amygdala activity and increases oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
- Release the story of blame.
Notice when you are replaying the incident and fuelling resentment. Choose to interrupt the cycle. You can say to yourself: I choose to release this story (not condone the behaviour); it no longer serves me.
- Practice self-compassion.
When forgiving yourself, replace harsh self-talk with constructive reflection: I made a mistake, and I am committed to learning from it. This strengthens the brain’s capacity for growth and reduces shame.
- Choose freedom.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting, it’s about choosing not to let the past control your present or future. Imagine the weight you are releasing and feel your energy returning.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is a conscious decision to step out of the prison of resentment or self-condemnation. Neuroscience confirms what wisdom traditions have always taught: letting go heals not only the heart but also the brain and body. This week, reflect on one area where you need forgiveness, whether of yourself or another. Write it down. Then take one small action to begin releasing it. You’ll be amazed at the freedom it brings. Take Key Steps and…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
