Key Steps to Emotional Intelligence from Mila 😉
Mila turned seven yesterday. Being her mom is the best title in the world and the most overwhelming privilege and responsibility. These years have been some of the best of my life and seen me beaming with pride. This past week Mila achieved a significant milestone. She performed on a big stage at her first school concert. Those of you who follow me will know what a big deal this is given her history of anxiety regarding noise and being in the spotlight. She is also very sensory to anything scratchy or tight (I think many kids are – Mila might just experience it multiplied by 1000%), to strange smells and her hair being touched. Last week she had to have a tight bun, sprayed back with hairspray and wear a scratchy lace chocker around her neck and head piece. And she did it. She was so brave, and the finest example of taking Key Steps to…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
These are the Key Steps that helped her to manage her anxiety…
- Power posing and a using a helpful mantra.When she finally tried power posing – I’ve tried many different strategies to get her to try and she’d just roll her eyes and say, “Mommy, that won’t work.” It took me finally convincing her to reach up while she was showering and touch the drops of water. While doing it, I asked her to breathe deeply and say, “I got this.” She suddenly got such a big smile on her face and said, “Mommy, this really does actually work.” What got her the most excited is when she realised that many adults don’t know this technique (I was delivering a Powerful Presentations sessions to Absa on Wednesday and some of the delegates didn’t know about Amy Cuddy’s work) and she was till only 6 and she does!
- Reminding herself she can do hard things.We have a little mantra in our home that goes, “Hard things help us grow better brains and brave hearts.” When Mila felt nervous on the day of the concert, I asked her what her track record was of doing hard things was. She replied, “Pretty good but this is different.” I explained that it was just the same as when she was finally able to climb that tricky jungle gym that once scared her, and how proud she felt afterward. (I know her teacher was helping with too and reinforcing that she could do it). That small but powerful memory gave her the courage to take the stage. It’s an important reminder to us all… When we face something daunting, we can tap into our past wins and remind ourselves of the grit, determination and resilience that we’ve already shown.
- Reminding herself everyone is cheering for her.This one was tough because she had no idea where we were going to be seated and – with the stage lights in her eyes – she couldn’t see us. She had to use her imagination and imagine us clapping and cheering. We mentally rehearsed this is few times. The realisation that she didn’t have to see us to trust we were there and trust that not just us, but all the parents wanted her to do well was profound. I could see her relaxing as she thought about the fact that people wouldn’t laugh at her, but would be clapping no matter what – even is she made a mistake. This shifted Mila’s mindset. It’s shifted mine and can shift yours. It’s something I often share with executives: remember, most people want you to succeed. This shift in perception can turn anxiety into energy.
- Feeling the fear, acknowledging it and being brave anyway.Mila didn’t try to pretend she wasn’t scared. She told me, “My tummy feels funny, and I think I might cry.” And instead of shutting that down, we spoke about it and how often I’ve been scared too. We worked through it together and got to the bottom of her fear, which was that she’d make a mistake and forget everything. We weighed up the likelihood of this happening and what she could do if it did. We also reflected that it would be okay if she messed up because no-one knew what she was supposed to do anyway. That gave her comfort as she realised that each night would get easier and easier. That’s emotional intelligence in action – not avoiding the fear but choosing to move forward with it. For leaders, this is gold: acknowledging discomfort and acting with courage is often the most inspiring leadership move we can make.
- Being vulnerable and asking for help.Well, she didn’t literally ask for it, but I’ve always made sure she’s had it. She spent 2 years working with an occupational therapist that really helped her deal with her sensory sensitivities and overcome many of her anxieties. For the past 6 months, she’s been working with a play therapist and her confidence has come on leaps and bounds. Of course, as her mom, I support her in every way I can and we always acknowledge her feelings and work through them. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t ask for help too. Some of the most important words we can utter as leaders are “I need help.”
I wish you a week of following in Mila’s footsteps and taking many Key Steps to…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
