Listen to learn not to respond
Last week I shared my concerns about the vanishing lunch break. This week, I share another very big concern… the quality of our listening or lack thereof! On a good day, most people register only one fifth of what they hear. So, quality listeners are extremely valuable and rare. Like many other problems, poor quality listening has been exacerbated by the stress and strains of Covid. Too many people are telling me that they feel like their colleagues, boss, or organisation in general, isn’t listening to them right now. A direct consequence of this lack of listening is a lack of awareness and empathy.
Of course, there are pockets of excellence, where people are feeling cared for and really listened to by their organisations, boss and loved ones. But, sadly, this is the exception rather than the norm. What makes it extra sad is that listening is one of the oldest forms of healing and we could really do with healing right now. Let’s spread some healing and take Key Steps to master the art of listening and be the difference that makes the difference.
I’ve created an acronym to support us to really LISTEN:
- Lean in. This might not be done literally, although often you will physically lean towards the speaker with open, relaxed body language. This step is about focusing all your attention on the speaker and making sure you don’t show disinterest (by looking at your watch or phone) or allow yourself to be distracted (by an email popping up or phone ringing). It is essential to avoid distractions and maintain eye contact while building rapport. This is especially important during virtual meetings; make a point of disconnection from distractions and choosing to be fully present and focused.
- Interest. Show interest and that you want to understand – and care about – where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker’s feelings. “You must be pleased” or “It sounds like it’s been a stressful time.” If the speaker’s feelings are hidden or unclear, occasionally paraphrase their content. Even just nodding, appropriate facial expressions and listening noises (hmmm, aaah or uh huh) can also work. The idea is to show the speaker you are listening. Just make sure that you are not being a pseudo listener.
- Suspend judgement. Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticising what they are saying. It is also important not to jump to conclusions or hi-jack the conversation. Just listen with curiosity and empathy.
- Take it all in. It is important to really take in and picture what the speaker is telling you. While doing this, step into their shoes. Great listeners read between the lines and listen for what is not being said, what is being hinted at or even left out. To do this, you cannot be rehearsing what you want to say, so wait until it is your turn before allowing your mind to shift from listening to responding.
- Engage (with empathy). Active listening usually involves asking questions to gain clarity or to show understanding. Asking questions about how the speaker is feeling can also be a powerful way of showing empathy. In other words, questions show that you are engaged and can be used to engage the speaker when needed. Just make sure that your questions are constructive and asked when the other person is finished speaking. You can use body language to signal you need to ask something for clarity without directly interrupting.
- Notes. Making notes helps your brain filter for important information and can keep you on track if the conversation gets boring. Sometimes your notes have to be mental and you will listen out for key words and/or phrases and memorise them. Most times, you can summarise the conversation by taking written notes (with the speaker’s permission) and this further shows how serious you are about listening and how much you care.
No matter whether you are a husband or wife, parent or child, employee or employer, listening is critical to the quality of your conversations and success of your relationships. Take the time to truly listen and you’ll not only improve your relationships, you will achieve a new level of overall success in your life. Apply these techniques today and enjoy a better tomorrow by taking Key Steps to…
“be the difference that makes the difference”
About Dr Sharon King Gabrielides
Sharon is a dynamic facilitator, speaker and executive coach with over 20 years’ experience in leadership and organisational development and transformation. She is a registered Education, Training and Development Practitioner (ETDP), holds an Honours degree in Psychology and practices as an NLP master practitioner. She is also one of only three women in South Africa to hold the title of Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) – it’s the Oscar of the speaking business.
Sharon’s PhD thesis contributed a framework for holistic and sustainable leadership development that has been published by Rutgers University in the USA. She is faculty of Henley Business School and highly sought-after by leading corporates because she works hand-in-hand with them to create sustainable results and long-term success. Sharon has become known for her practical approach, useful tools and genuinely caring manner. She is really looking forward to working with you and taking Key Steps to ‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
